Uncertainty

I'm graduating in July, assuming all goes according to plan. So do I stay or do I go?

Whenever I come home, I realize how much I miss my friends, most of whom are still on the west coast. I feel like I've made some good friends in New York, but no one comes close to the friends I have out here. There's something about people who've known you forever--it's like family almost. When I meet up with friends here, even with people I haven't seen for years, it feels so easy and normal. I really miss having close girl friends like that.

It's not just the social thing though--I miss the west coast in general. I feel like life is easier here. People don't work as hard or think as much about money, and every aspect of life isn't an utter ordeal out here. In New York, I feel like everything is so hard. Going to the grocery store, meeting up with friends, going hiking... All these normal things are so complicated in the city! And it was okay while I was still really excited about living there, but now that that's worn off, I'm just tired of putting forth so much effort and expense to do normal, simple things.

I should probably teach in New York for a year, I guess? I'm not really sure how that works. I'm not even sure where I'd go if I were to move. I think probably San Francisco. Seattle is too rainy, Portland is too small and too rainy, and I don't like LA. San Francisco seems like a good happy medium: still very much a big city, but also mellower and less expensive than New York, and with easy access to the outdoors. I have a few close friends down there too. Hmmm.

And then, maybe I'm looking at the west coast with rose-colored glasses. Whenever I'm home, all I do is sleep, eat, and hang out with friends. Of course it feels laid-back. So clearly this requires some more careful consideration...

Losing my mind...

I may have completely lost my mind. I freaked out and quit my job last week. I had a nervous breakdown--I had a horrible meeting with my principal, and while everyone was down at dismissal, I packed up my stuff and left. I spent the next three days in bed, crying.

I feel really weird about it now. On the one hand, I feel extremely guilty. There's something about teaching (um, the fact that you work with children, perhaps?) that makes it different from any other job. With a normal job, I would have quit a looooooong looooooooooooooong time ago. But there's a different pressure with teaching, and I guess that's for good reason. I think it also attracts a certain breed of masochist, so there's this sense of have-to-stick-it-out-no-matter-whatness because we're all such martyrs already... Well, I'm not a martyr anymore. I'm now a crazy, dramatic, selfish b@tch.

It felt sort of like running into a wall. I have never felt so depressed or overwhelmed or completely broken by anything before. I just couldn't face it anymore. I couldn't even leave my bedroom. It was a scary, out of control feeling. But it's mostly passed now. I'm really stressed about the money thing, but otherwise, I feel good about the next few months. I'm going to go to school full time and finally--FINALLY--finish. But now I'm not even sure I want to be a teacher anymore... I need to remember what it was like working at a supportive, caring school. I can do that again. At least I can do that for a few years, and then hopefully get a job in textbook publishing.

I have so much regret now about leaving my old job. I keep thinking how, in spite of everything I complained about, I sincerely liked my coworkers there, and I felt so supported. I guess I knew going into this that it was a risk, and with every risk there is the possibility of utter failure. I liked to think that I could do anything for a year, no matter how bad... But I think I redefined utter failure with this one. Epic, monumental, colossal, and catastrophic are all apt.

I'm on my way home now, and I'm really looking forward to disassociating from Brooklyn for the next 10 days. I want to refocus on my life. I feel really lost, and I don't like the feeling. I'm excited to reconnect with friends, hang out with my mom's pets, eat and cook a lot, watch some movies, read some books, and generally just chill out. No school to think about, no 4 billion work things to stress over... That's such an amazing feeling! I know once the initial feelings of guilt and failure subside, this will be the right choice. I just need to get to that place.

My browser right now...

...has about 12 job search windows open. Yep, still hate it. I CAN'T WAIT to quit. I am soooooo sick of endlessinterminableforeverneverending meetings about data analysis, and sick of "co-planning" that is all telling me to do things differently but no support, and sick of 60 hour weeks plus coming home to do more work... I feel like I'm such a bitter, angry person lately and I can't snap out of it! I just need to sleep... And to breathe... And to tell them I'm not coming back next year... I don't know if the job market will be better next year, or if I'll be able to find anything given that I won't be done with my degree, but I'm very much willing to throw caution to the wind at this point. And if I wind up in another Cravath-esque job for a year, so be it, but at least it will be with an end in sight.

I don't understand how my coworkers are so gung-ho about working there. They're all brainwashed. But then--and I realize everyone probably feels this way, but I really think it's true in my case--I have the worst class load imaginable. If I taught the same thing 5 periods a day, that would be one thing... but I teach four different classes, so I am just swamped with planning all the time.

I always wonder what would happen if I started crying in the middle of a class. Would I get to go home for the day? Would it be worth it? I think I may be on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I feel like all my nerves are stretched tight, and I can't sleep, and I'm getting wrinkles and my hair is probably going to be grey by the end of the year.

Anxiety. Counting seconds until vacation. Bitterness. Sigh...

Next to normal

I am just over 3 months post-surgery and my knee is doing great! I got back on the elliptical two weeks ago, and now I'm up to 20 minutes at a time at 10 to 12 resistance. It feels sooooo good to do a "normal" workout again!

My PT told me last week that she wants to get me on a running program, then she thinks I'll be ready to graduate. That means I should be done in about 6 more PT sessions. I have mixed feelings about it... I actually really enjoy PT. My therapist is great, and I feel like with the long hours I put in at work, I need that forced workout every week. It's like personal training. And the massages (when she does them) are amaaaaaazing. I don't know what she does, but she applies pressure to tendons or muscles or bands or something in my hamstring and thigh, and when I leave my knee feels 1000x better. But on the other hand, my copay is $50 (yeah, that's right, copay) so it will be nice to save that $200 a month.

I've been biking to work almost every day, and I feel like that helps a lot--especially since I don't get to the gym anywhere close to as much as I'd like to. I also think living in NYC is good for rehab: I've been forced to walk around a ton since the moment I got back in September. That was horrible at first, but in the long run I think it probably meant for a shorter recovery time. It took me a long time to get off crutches at home (in fact, it didn't happen until I got back to NYC) and I think that was largely due to the fact that I did so little moving around. I hobbled from the couch to the bed and back again, and that was primarily the extent of my mobility. As soon as I got home though, I had a lot of incentive to get off crutches (well, single crutch by that time) ASAP.

I still stand by what I said about being retired from soccer, but I'm looking forward to more normal athletics. It will be nice to be able to jog again, and maybe next winter I'll be ready to snowboard. I also want to take a dance class as soon as I'm able. (That won't be for awhile though--I was reading the description for a swing class at a studio my friend goes to, and it said "must wear shoes you can pivot comfortably in"--eek!)

My scar is fading really well too. There are only tiny marks where the small incisions were, and the big incision has already faded quite a bit. I think that one will always be visible, but not too bad. I was comparing scars with a friend who tore her ACL in high school last weekend, and although she's 12 years out from a patellar graft, mine is really not much worse.

So lots of good to report on the knee front. And in the interest of FINALLY publishing an upbeat post, we'll just leave it at that :)

A 7th Grader Pushed Me Today...

I wish I could say things were going better, but they're not really. I guess I'm getting used to it, or something. Actually I don't even know if that's true. I still hate it a lot. I still cry all the time. I still lose my will to live by the end of third period every day. I still feel buried under an endless mountain of administrative b.s. I still feel like I'm throwing everything together at the last second.

I fantasize all the time about quitting. Alas, I would be fully screwing myself if I did that, since I left a smoldering, burnt bridge behind me at my last job. I would end up with a degree but no references, which would make it pretty hard to ever find a job. I also have an unbelievable mountain of debt already.

I hate it when people say money doesn't buy happiness. I call bullshit on that. Life is so much easier if you're rich. You don't have to live with the consequences of your mistakes; you can buy your way out of them.

Lessons:

1) Charter school life is not for me.

2) I shouldn't blog when I'm in a bad mood.

Excuses, excuses

It has been riduckulously long since my last post. I'm at about 8 1/2 weeks out of surgery now. I really had good intentions about updating a lot so that anyone else going through ACL reconstruction could compare their progress and know what to expect, but life got in the way.

Shortly after my last post, I had a phone interview for a teaching job at a charter middle school near my apartment in Brooklyn. In a moment of temporary insanity, I decided I was up for the challenge of a completely new position in a completely new and unfamiliar setting at a school I'd never seen before. So I took the job. And that was the last moment of free time I ever had.

I had about four days to attempt to map out the annual curriculum for four classes--two remediated reading, one SETSS, one technology. Yes, technology. WTF? What was I thinking? In my defense, I was pretty misled. I was told when I interviewed that technology was more or less planned out, that my primary responsibilities would be the reading classes and a SETSS pull-out class. That has not turned out to be the case at all. They also told me that the students in the Technology class were chosen based on a demonstrated interest in computers. Also not true. These students--18 7th grade boys--were essentially kicked out of Art because of behavior problems. It's pretty much a nightmare. I'm teaching a class I could care less about to a bunch of rambunctious, verbally abusive middle schoolers who should never be put in a room together. It's ridiculous. And I'm supposed to figure out somehow what to teach them without any support or guidance whatsoever.

I am part of the Student Support Services department, a nice way of saying Special Education. I teach two reading classes, one for sixth graders and one for seventh. The sixth grade class is fine. The kids are well-behaved, and they do their homework and are making some progress. The seventh graders, on the other hand, are a completely different story. Some of the kids in that room are poster children for the strong correlation between learning disabilities and behavior problems. And I get it: you're thirteen and you read at a second-grade level, so you develop some destructive habits to get out of doing your work and feeling like a failure all the time. It becomes deeply ingrained. I understand all the reasons why. But, when you put three or four of those kids together in a class with a bunch of other kids who are also not so inclined to do their work or to try very hard, and you end up with a big pot of disaster soup.

And so it goes with all my classes. On top of which there are also a million bullshit administrative things that are assigned every couple of days. They're often redundant and pointless, and occasionally they end up negating each other. This school is quite obsessed with state tests and data based on the standards those tests measure. Understandable, because they're beholden to a Board and they have to demonstrate strong test scores for the Board of Ed to keep their funding. But as a result, EVERYTHING is centered around test results, and the data they use to measure progress is often faulty. Example: my department tracks five "power standards" identified by the ELA and math departments in the students we serve. Sounds appropriate. But, in reality, that ends up being absurd. We created these "assessment calendars" mapping out how we're going to give 3 opportunities for each of the 10 standards every two weeks. In my SETSS class, that means basically all we do all the time is read and answer questions based on the standards or do math unrelated to what they're learning in class right now because it's based around those standards. OK, fine, so I created three calendars, one for SETSS, one for my sixth grade reading class, and one for the seventh grade reading class. I spent an entire Saturday working on these stupid calendars, trying to figure out how to assess things they haven't learned yet without completely stressing them out. Then, about four days later, I get an email from the principal saying my assessment map is late. "Wait, you mean the assessment map I made for my department? I'll show it to you." "No, not that assessment map, a completely different, unrelated assessment map in which you're going to test all the things you listed on your curriculum outline periodically." "Well, that doesn't really work with the remediated reading class because we're focusing on things like fluency and decoding strategies... The things that can be tested that way are already being tested ad nauseum by the ELA department, and I was just planning on using their data." "Not my problem! I want your map next week!"

I want to cry. All the time. I hate this job. We have meetings every single day after school. I'm at work for 11 to 12 hours a day, every day. Then I come home and do more work. And I get paid less than I would in the Board of Ed to do all this. I have no time to hang out with friends, ever. I have no time to even go to the gym. I cry on a daily basis. I hate the classes I'm teaching and feel like I have no support. And I get an endless pile of assignments that are unrelated to the actual teaching of daily lessons. None of this is making me a better teacher. It's just making me feel frazzled and stressed out all the time. And resentful. And miserable. And a million other synonyms for unhappy.

So... That's why I haven't written for awhile.

2 weeks down...

14 days since my surgery, and this is where I'm at:

-My knee is starting to feel more comfortable. There's less of a dull pain all the time, and I'm sleeping better at night as a result. I still can't comfortably sit with it bent though.

-I'm putting more weight on it every day. I was on just one crutch all day today (although I didn't leave the house once, so that's not much of an accomplishment).

-I still have three steri-strips on, and although it's healing, the big wound on the front of my knee is still looking pretty gross. I could probably pull those steri-strips off but I want to let them come off on their own, just in case. My shin is also still kind of sore where I lost a layer (or 5) of skin where it was all taped up at the hospital.

-I know I've made progress, but I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps. I'm frustrated. I think a big part of that is because I've been cooped up in the house all day. I was going to go out tonight to see some friends, but I realized that the bar they're at is small, crowded, and only has stools (no chairs or benches) so I opted out. Not a very crutch- or leg brace-friendly environment!

I feel like I've slipped into this gross, lethargic state of being half-awake all the time. The days pass, but I don't know what I'm doing to fill the time. It's not like I've been doing a ton of reading or watching lots of movies or t.v., either. The time just slips away...

3 days until I fly home. I'm getting anxious. About work, going back to school, getting around the city, having enough time to rehab correctly, everything. *Ride to Montauk, ride to Montauk, ride to Montauk...*

Approaching the 2-week benchmark

Tomorrow will be my two weekiversary with my reconstructed ACL. I haven't posted in a few days because there hasn't been much to report. I'm frustrated with my progress--or I guess that's lack of progress. I'm STILL completely on crutches. At PT today though, my PT showed me how to walk with just one crutch. I can't do it on stairs so it's really just for around the house, but I guess at least that's a baby step? I was hopeful I'd be walking semi-normally before my flight home, but as Saturday looms closer and closer, thats seeming less and less likely.

My goal was to be walking without crutches after two weeks, and that's just not going to happen. It's making me nervous about where I'm going to be when the kids come back to school. That's only two more weeks away... There's no point in stressing myself out about it though--all I can do is what I'm doing now, which is to stick to my PT routine, ice a lot, and walk on it a little bit every day.

10 days out

10 days out of surgery and I'm still very much on crutches! I am getting soooooo sick of these guys. I'm putting more weight on my toe every day though, so I need to remember that and stay positive.

I got this cool toy at physical therapy last week: they're electrodes, and they send a current into my quad muscle to remind it how to fire. It reminds me of those As-Seen-On-TV commercials for the "Belly Burner" (featuring the guy eating chips and watching t.v. saying, "I can't believe I'm working out!") It's cool, it makes my quad muscle tense up, which they can't quite do on their own yet. I also use it on a lower setting for pain relief, which feels amaaaaaaazing. Is it possible to become addicted to a low electrical impulse? I'm scared I'm going to resort to sticking my finger in a light socket to get my fix after I have to return this guy.

Of course I've been getting excellent care from my "nurses" :) They are sooooooo helpful! They very kindly create moving obstacle courses so I can test my reflexes and practice sharp turns on my crutches, and they also provide a customized "bath" service, featuring personalized licking and stinky breath. I don't know what I'd do without them!

And just for your viewing pleasure, here are a couple more pics of my sexy knees:

This one is of the teeny wound left behind after the first of the steri-strips came off. It's pretty small, hopefully it won't leave much of a scar!

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And this one is a comparison of my swollen left and normal right knees. There's not much of a knee to be seen in the left one. Ice, ice ice.

One week musings

This is my leg one week out of surgery. It's doing ok! No bruising, and the swelling isn't bad. In this pic you can see steri-strips covering all the smaller incisions and band-aids over the biggest one (I think that's where the arthroscope went in?) They're healing well. My range of motion is good too--I'm at 125 degrees now, and 140 is considered "normal". I hate to brag (ok, no I don't) but my PT said this is one of the best looking knees she's seen a week out of surgery :-)

It's still really weak though--I guess it just takes time for the soft tissue to heal, and there's nothing you can do to rush that. I wish there was. I'm sick of crutches. I'm trying to use them the right way (all the weight on your palms, with no pressure on your armpits) but my underarms are still bruised.

I completely stopped taking Oxycodone yesterday, and I've since realized how much I hate that stuff. I didn't realize until it was out of my system how foggy it makes me feel. I've felt so much more lucid and more motivated the last two days! It was hard for me to force myself to do even my simple PT routine two days ago, whereas today I feel so much more energetic and engaged. I guess I shouldn't attribute all that to the Oxycodone--I'm only a week out of surgery, so obviously every day is going to make a big difference at this point.

Good news: I made my first social outing last night! I went out with a couple of friends to go watch bluegrass music at a bar I like. It was fun, but also hard. I take up so much space--I have to keep my leg propped up and fully extended, and even though I was constantly adjusting my padding and brace and it was still very uncomfortable. Plus crutches are the clumsiest things ever. I'm already a very clumsy person by nature, so put me on crutches and I really don't stand a chance. I feel like I make a huge scene everywhere I go, like an elephant walking into a room. Of course within ten minutes of arriving at the bar I'd knocked over a drink :-( Oy. At least everyone's extremely nice to a person on crutches!

Whenever I get sick, I do this weird thing where I try to imagine what would've happened to me if I'd been afflicted with the same malady as a serf in the middle ages.

I think I would've survived this! At least as long as I could've taken a couple of weeks off to heal after the initial tear. Obviously I wouldn't have had any kind of reconstructive surgery, but I think based on where I was at before surgery, I would've made do and continued working the land, or whatever it was serfs did...

*Can you tell I'm going out of my mind with boredom?*

Things you should have before undergoing ACL surgery (in no particular order):

1) A mantra. Can't stress the importance of this enough, at least for me. It's been massively helpful for me to have something simple to repeat over and over in my head at tough moments (like when I was fighting off tears as they wheeled me into surgery; when I woke up nauseous and feeling like hell; during the pain of the rehab exercises; and whenever I'm generally frustrated). This is corny and a bit embarrassing (and I am completely bastardizing the Ayurvedic concept), but mine is "Ride to Montauk". One of my rehab goals is to save up for a road bike. Next summer I want to do a "century" (a 100-mile bike ride) from Babylon to Montauk. This is motivating and it generates a relaxing mental picture for me. It keeps me looking forward and reminds me that no, this won't be forever. Feel free to borrow it :) Another possibility: "Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose."

2) A flexible shower head. It makes bathing a whole lot easier after surgery.

3) Flexibility and ab strength. I promise, this is a very worthwhile pre-surgery goal! Being able to touch your toes without bending your knee will make your life a lot easier post-surgery. And just try standing up while keeping one leg straight and non-weight-bearing: you'll see what I mean about the ab strength. My abs are really sore at the end of the day, every day, even though I'm basically just hanging out in bed. Tearing my ACL was, like, the best core workout EVER.

4) Supportive friends and family. I'm so grateful for everyone who has helped me to stave off insanity throughout this process. Especially my mom, who has been a real champ. I don't know what I would've done without her.

5) A yoga mat. Very helpful for doing rehab exercises!

6) Tote and messenger bags: a crutch-user's best friend.

7) A comfortable "command center", complete with chargers and a power source, water bottle, reading material, a melange of pillows, and your personal pharmacy. You will want everything within arm's reach. Set this up before you go in for surgery!

8) A notepad and pen on hand, for keeping track of your meds. This was massively complicated (at least IMHO, but I'm horrible with this sort of thing). I'm lucky my mom quickly set up a simple system for me. Add a little Oxycodone to my already-poor working memory and I definitely would've OD'd without this. Mine is simple: the name of the drug, the hours apart I'm supposed to take it, and if I need to eat with it. Then I write down the time every time I take it. Example:

Oxycodone (6 hrs, EAT) 9pm, 12am, 6:30am

Tylenol (6 hrs) 10am, 4pm, 10pm

You get the idea... Maybe this occurs to everyone else on earth, but it didn't occur to me!

9) A knog! (That's a knee-blog.) This is soooooooo self-indulgent, and I'm sure it would be massively boring to anyone other than me, but it's nice to have an outlet. And I think in a year I'll be glad to have this to look back on to see that yes, I have made some progress. (Or maybe I'll think the same thing I think now: that it's massively self-indulgent and boring.)

The Art of the Sponge Bath

My daily cleaning ritual, oddly enough, is my favorite part of the day. There is something about being clean that I find fundamentally necessary to my sanity. After I initially tore my ACL, being able to take a shower was crucial to feeling human again. It's the same thing post-surgery, but I've had to change my approach because I have to keep the incision sites dry.

After the initial tear, I hopped/flung myself into the shower and showered standing on one leg. It was incredibly precarious, and I'm lucky: a) the shower rod didn't collapse when I used it for leverage; and b) I didn't slip. It could have been disastrous. This time, there's no question of actually getting into the shower since I can't get my left leg wet at all. So I do a modified sponge bath, which is surprisingly effective!

It requires more equipment than a normal shower: I use two big towels, one small one, and a wash cloth. It's also extremely helpful to have a removable flexible shower head. It makes it soooooo much easier to wash your hair! [Stupidly, this didn't even occur to me until my mom asked if I'd been using theirs. The first time I washed my hair after surgery, I did it very awkwardly in the sink.] The whole thing is done sitting down next to the bathtub. It works surprising well! It's also interesting to see how little water you actually need to get clean.

It's a weirdly relaxing process--I recommend sponge baths for everyone!

Back in the (Legasus) saddle

I'm now two days out of surgery. To fill you in:

I've been cutting down on my pain meds pretty quickly. I started out with an arsenal of Oxycodone, Toradol, Tylenol, and an anti-nausea pill to take with the Oxycodone and Toradol. I'm also supposed to take Aspirin every day. I don't like taking the Oxycodone because it makes me sleepy, and I'm almost out of Toradol because the doc didn't want to prescribe too much (I guess anti-inflammatories counter-intuitively actually slow down healing) so now I'm pretty much down to the Tylenol. The pain has been surprisingly mild, actually. I guess I missed out on the worst pain by spending the first night and day in the hospital--they kept me really doped up there. I'm obviously staying off my knee and being really gentle with it, but as long as I ice and elevate, I haven't felt much need for extensive pharmaceuticals.

I've been doing some quad exercises since the day of surgery: leg lifts and quad tightening exercises every hour or two while I'm awake. The quad muscle atrophies amazingly quickly--not sure if that's because of the surgery or because of the tendons that were taken out of my hamstring. I've also been using a continuous passive motion machine, which I lobbied for. It's called "the Legasus"--isn't that glorious? It sounds so majestic! Apparently it's the same technology my uncle used when he tore his ACL 30 years ago. Anyway, I'm strapped into it for a couple of 2-hour shifts every day. I started with it set at about 35 degrees on Wednesday, and I already have it up to 75! It's kind of nice in the beginning when you see so much progress so quickly because there's nowhere to go but up... Oh, and as you can see, I still have to wear a ridiculous Dr. Seuss stocking. It's supposed to prevent blood clots. It's really not bad, I barely notice it, it just looks silly :)

So basically I've just been sleeping and watching lots of t.v. and movies. I discovered "Jersey Shore" is on my mom's On Demand--happy day!

Today, I had my first post-op doctor's appointment. It went well! He said my wounds look great--he even took the stitches out well ahead of schedule and replaced them with steri-strips so I wouldn't have to keep them in until my next appointment in two weeks. It was nice to get the gigantic gauze wrap off, so now I can see what my knee actually looks like. It's swollen, but a lot less scary than I imagined. [Side note: Can you see my doc's initials under my knee? They autograph you before surgery while you're still awake to make sure they don't accidentally replace the wrong ACL!]

The plan now is to stay the course: continue with the quad exercises and the Legasus; keep icing, elevating, and wearing the stocking; and take it easy.

I start PT on Monday (oddly enough, I'll be seeing a woman I went to high school with!) That will be nice--PT back in BK was incredibly helpful, and it gave me a lot of things to do on my own at home. I'm excited to get started.

Ughhhhhhh

If you are about to have ACL surgery, you probably should not read this... Consider yourself warned.

My surgery on Tues actually went well. It took the doctor longer than he expected ("It looked like raw hamburger in there," as the anesthesiologist put it), but everything came out ok. BUT, I had a horrible reaction to the general anesthetic. I spent the whole night puking/dry heaving and had to stay in the hospital overnight so they could keep me hydrated and give me pain meds through an IV. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say it was the worst night of my life to date. Absolutely miserable. I got my own room, and the whole staff was amazingly nice so I really have no complaints on that front. It's just that when you're in the hospital, people come in to poke you and prod you every hour to make sure your blood pressure, pulse, etc. are all ok. So I got very little sleep, in spite of being heavily medicated.

This morning I felt much better. I was finally able to eat, for the first time in about 36 hours. Even the disgusting hospital food looked good! I kept that down and I was able to keep an oxycodone down, so they finally let me go home this afternoon.

The one good thing about the hospital was that they gave me pain meds intravenously, so I never had any pain. I'm holding off on oxycodone right now because a guy's coming over in a bit to fit me for a CPM machine and I'd like to be awake for that... So now I'm not nauseous, but I'm getting pretty sore. Fun stuff.

The pic above is my knee in my hardcore brace and an ever-flow ice thing. It keeps my knee continuously cool.

Ready or not...

Prepping for tomorrow... I'm about 15 hours away from surgery now. I spent the whole day running around town with my mom: pre-op appointments with the orthopedist and anesthesiologist, crutch and brace fittings, filling prescriptions, buying groceries, etc... At left, my supplies. Brace, crutches, yoga mat, body pillow, an array of meds, ice packs, antibacterial soap and sponges. Oy.

So here is the scoop, in case anyone ever reads this who is about to undergo something similar and wants to know what they're in for:

I got fitted for a hardcore brace today, which I will come to know intimately over the next six weeks. I also picked up some crutches. The other things are more for comfort: the body pillow is so I can elevate my legs evenly; the yoga mat is for doing my physical therapy stuff; and the ice packs are for obvious reasons. I'm not getting a continuous motion machine, which I'm a little disappointed about. I really don't get why my doctor is against them, but he is. No arguing with the "expert". I got four different kinds of pills: one is an antibiotic, which I'll only take for 24 hours; one is for nausea associated with pain meds; one is for swelling and pain; and the last one is Oxycodone, which is a hardcore pain pill. I always get nauseous with medication, so I'm going to try to get off the Oxycodone ASAP.

I have to scour myself with a special antibacterial soap before bed tonight, then I'll do it again tomorrow morning before I go in. This is to minimize the risk of infection. Also, of course there's the requisite no-eating/drinking-after-midnight. Luckily I have an early surgery! That rule must really suck if your appointment is later in the day.

So I'm supposed to show up two hours before the surgery, which means I'll be there at about 7:30. Then they'll prep me and put me under. I'm getting general anesthetic, which surprised me. Everything I've read said that doctors typically use local, but my doctor said that the epidural is so uncomfortable (it's hard to pee for a long time afterwards since you're completely numb) that he prefers general. I don't know how I feel about that... I guess I'm glad I'll be sleeping through the whole thing, but I know there are some big risks associated with general and I feel like it's not something that should be used gratuitously. But again, I'm doing whatever the doctor recommends.

The surgery itself should be around 2 hours. I'll probably be asleep in the recovery room for about an hour after, then they'll wake me up and take me to the short-stay area. I'll hang out there for another hour or so to make sure everything's kosher, then I'll be sent on my merry way!

Supposedly the pain won't be too bad tomorrow because the doctor will inject a long-lasting painkiller into my knee while he's in there. But once that wears off, it's probably going to hurt. A lot.

I got really faint while the doctor was going over all this in my pre-op appointment. So faint that I had to lie down. It was crazy, I can't remember the last time I felt that close to passing out. It was strange too because I already knew all of this--I've done a lot of reading about ACL surgery over the last month. Maybe it was the reality setting in?

I don't understand how people become surgeons. Even being in a hospital makes me nauseous. I know it's worse because I'm the one having surgery, but I definitely would not have the stomach for a career in medicine. Plus, what if you mess up? I make way too many mistakes in my daily life to possibly be able to perform in such a necessarily-mistake-free environment.

I'll try to post tomorrow after surgery, but I may be in too much of a drug-induced stupor to update right away.

Oregonia!

Touchdown in Oregon! And the surgery countdown has begun: T-minus 39 hours. The weather here was incredible today. It's almost enough to make me think about moving back--almost, but not quite.

I had a nice day with my mom in Portland after she picked me up from the airport. We went to the Japanese Gardens, then had lunch and did a little shopping. Portland is a great city; if it weren't for the weather I could totally

imagine living there.

Now I'm at my mom's place setting up my command center. We hauled a mattress and a box spring up from the guest bedroom in the basement and set up a makeshift bed for me in the office, since it's on the ground floor. I think it will be a very comfortable place to convalesce. Alas, I've been here for less than an hour and already all my possessions are covered with dog and cat hair :P

I have a few friends around town who I feel like I should reach out to, but frankly I'm feeling pretty reluctant right now. I probably should make the effort now since I'll be better able to socialize while I can still walk, but I'm really just obsessed with my knee these days. I've felt very introverted and goal-oriented since *the incident*: it's been hard for me to make time for people, and I don't feel like that's even remotely a priority for me. Apparently, side effects of an ACL tear may include: hermitage. That will probably change after a few days of being cooped up in my mom's house though... I'm sure I'll be begging people to come hang out with me soon!

Trying to find the positive

Most people who know me know that I don't handle stress well. I tend to get really negative and anxious, and I find myself feeling annoyed about anything and everything. I've been having a hard time lately not falling into that old pattern. I feel like I'm in such a negative headspace right now, and I don't know how to snap out of it. I'm probably more sensitive to it than anyone else.... At least I hope....

I know I have a ton of things to be grateful for. I'm so fortunate to have health insurance, and to have a job with a built-in three-week vacation so I can go home for surgery without taking any time off (hopefully). I'm also really lucky to have supportive, understanding people around me who have been incredibly helpful and encouraging throughout this process. I know all that. But the anxiety comes from uncertainty: I don't know what my rehab process will be like, and I don't know how long I'm going to struggle to perform at a basic level after surgery.

I want to be ready for the kids when school starts up again in the fall--that's four weeks after my surgery. It took me about four weeks to feel mostly normal after the initial tear, and I'd be very comfortable to be at this point four weeks after surgery. But I'm assuming that it will be a slower recovery process since there will be two sites that need to heal. I just don't know if it's realistic to think I'll be able to walk around much by mid-September. On the other hand, this time around I'll have nearly three weeks to devote entirely to rehab--not just one week like I had after the initial tear. So I really don't know what to expect, but I'm trying to be optimistic. Trying, but failing.

It doesn't help that I'm stressed about the surgery itself and the end of the school year right now as well. Everyone's always stressed all the time though, right? Clearly I need to develop some better coping mechanisms. What do other people do to handle stress?

Temptation...

Damn you, Shake Shack! They just opened their newest location on the Upper East Side--directly along my path from work to the subway--thereby making it impossible for me to stick to my resolution about eating better!

I love Shake Shack. Not just love, but looooooooooooooove. I have been known to go to Mets games with the sole mission of getting a burger. But the other locations are inconvenient enough, and the lines are long enough, that I rarely go. Unfortunately, that's not the case with this outpost.

After obsessing about its arrival all week, I finally went with some coworkers this afternoon. The line was less than 10 minutes! And this location has a really nice patio, perfect for spending a lazy summer afternoon nursing (ok, inhaling) a strawberry milkshake. *Sigh.*

I know one little burger and shake doesn't sound so bad. And it wouldn't be, if not for the fact that my class took a field trip to a bowling alley today (meaning I ate nachos and fries for lunch) and the school had its annual art show at a gallery in Chelsea last night (meaning I had a burger and fries for dinner with coworkers last night as well). It's hard to eat well in the face of reality! And bar food is my ultimate weakness--I would do just about anything for a mozzarella stick. My social life revolves so much around eating and drinking, and it makes it hard to reconcile what's best for my body with what's best for my mental health.

Side note: yesterday was my one-month knee-iversary. I bought my knee a bottle of Aleve to celebrate.

Late-breaking news

Just read a very interesting article in the NY Times about ACL surgery--and how fortuitous that it was published today! You can read the full text here, but the gist is that in several studies comparing people who underwent ACL reconstructive surgery and those who went with more conservative rehab (PT) the two groups had very similar outcomes in terms of knee stability and arthritis.

Anecdotally, the orthopedic surgeons they interviewed believed that patients who underwent surgery were much less likely to have knee problems (like a torn meniscus) down the road, but there isn't much (or any!) evidence to support that claim. Hmmmm!

*Note: I'm definitely still opting for surgery. I'm not ready to give up tennis and the option of other pivoting sports yet, and I absolutely don't want to risk further damage to my knee. Maybe down the road that will turn out not to be the best decision, but from what I know now it seems like it would require a serious lifelong commitment to maintaining strong legs to compensate for a missing ACL if I didn't have surgery.

Joy!

My PT told me today that my knee looked really good--"ready for surgery today", in fact! She said my range of motion is fully restored and my muscle tone looks great. Ahhhhh, it felt so good to hear that! I've been putting in a lot of work to get ready for surgery, and it was nice to have a vote of confidence that eventually, I'm going to more or less get back to where I started.

I realize I sound extremely dramatic saying this, but I feel like this experience has shifted my perspective significantly. I guess you could say I've always been on pretty good terms with my body, so it's been a real shock to suddenly feel like we have a semi-adversarial relationship. This is the first time I've ever experienced such absolute limitations, and it's been very humbling.

I guess ultimately it will probably turn out to be a good thing. Whatever doesn't kill us, or something like that... It's been frustrating trying to accept my limitations, but I think in the end it will make me more disciplined. Already, I feel like my priorities have shifted significantly. Example: I used to go to happy hour with my coworkers semi-religiously, but now I have zero interest in any kind of socializing after work that will keep me from the gym. All I want to do after work every day is spend time on the exercise bike. Above all, I want to take care of myself. I want to work out, eat well, and get enough sleep, because I know that's what my body needs. Of course there will always be exceptions, but I find it a lot easier to motivate myself to get to the gym and to cook healthy dinners these days.

Or maybe this will only last while I'm rehabbing. Maybe I'll go back to my lazy, drinking-too-much self as soon as I get the verdict that my knee is ready for full activity. And maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing either... I guess it doesn't have to be a life-changing experience. It could just be a shitty thing that happened, and sucked for awhile.

Things I want

Someone sent me this video, and I just had to share. I wish this were real! It would be so useful on crutches. Muah!

ACL surgery for dummies

ACL surgery sounds like cake. Just follow these 7 simple steps, and you can perform it in the comfort of your own home!

Equipment:

Scalpel

Arthroscope

High-speed shaver

Drill

Sutures

Sterile dressing

1) Arthroscopic exam of the inside of the knee. Cut three small gashes in the knee, then insert arthroscope (fiber-optic camera) so you can see inside the knee.

2) "Harvest" the graft from the hamstring: make an incision along the inside edge of the knee and remove the semitendinosus and gracilis tendons.

3) Arrange the tendons into four strips. Stitch these strips together to hold them in place.

4) Remove the old ACL with the "high-speed shaver." (Eep!)

5) Drill tunnels into the femur and tibia so the graft can be placed.

6) Pass the graft though the tunnels you drilled; tense it; and fix it in place using surgical sutures. (Some surgeons also braid the graft first.)

7) Close the incisions and use a sterile dressing to cover the wound. Ta da!

Some days are bad and then some days are pretty ok. I guess that's true of everyone all the time though...

The last time I wrote was on a bad day: last Friday definitely defeated me. Then the weekend was pretty mixed, because I did some fun things but had some serious knee pain and fatigue as well, which left me feeling frustrated. Today, on the other hand... Today for the first time since *the incident*, I woke up and had to think for a sec about which knee was hurt. I wasn't acutely aware of it, and I wasn't sleeping in a weird position to deliberately protect my knee. There were moments today when it felt almost... Normal. And the cherry on top: I went to the park with some friends to watch a concert tonight, and when I got there people remarked that I wasn't noticeably limping anymore! So yeah, I guess I'd call that a good day, at least in knee terms.

Doing normal things makes me feel more comfortable with the idea of post-surgery rehab. It's going to suck for awhile, but then it will be ok. And even though 6-9 months sounds like a really long time, for most of that time I'll be able to walk and get around fairly normally. I just need to remember that.

Would you like a little cheese with that?

What a long week! Especially considering I was only at work for four days. It definitely didn't help that we had a training until 7:00last night. I feel completely spent. Turns out my modified life is just like my old life but with less mobility and more pain.

I feel like I've plateaued a bit this week,

probably because--as expected--I haven't had much time to take care of myself or my knee. I went to the gym on Tuesday, had PT Wednesday, couldn't go to the gym Thursday because of the aforementioned training, and now I'm trying desperately to will myself to get out of bed and get on the exercise bike. My knee was ok for the first day that I was back at work, but it's been getting progressively sorer since then. Every evening, it's been really swollen and stiff.

I've always struggled with the idea of work/life balance, and that feels even more true now. I've worked about 38 hours in the last four days. Ok, I know that's not a lot for some people... But my job is mentally draining, and also requires early hours and a long commute. Now that I'm trying to get to the gym every day, I'm acutely aware of how few hours that leaves me to myself. If I get home at 6:30 and try to get to bed by 10:00, that's not a lot of time for exercise + making dinner + necessary mental detoxing (watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix). I just don't see any way around it though. I've tried to say I'm going to leave work at 4:00 every day, no matter what, but then things simply don't get done. It takes a lot of time to do a decent (not even a great!) job planning and assembling materials for everything, and my school doesn't provide prep periods.

My soccer team had a game at 7:00 last night--right when my training for work ended--and the field is literally around the corner from my school, so I went by to say hi to everyone for a minute. Turns out that was a mistake. It made me so sad! I hate that I'm not going to be able to play again, and I hate imagining my life without soccer and my soccer team. I know this sounds dramatic, but it's become a very important part of my life, and I hate that I have to give it up. I'm struggling to redefine myself as I am now, without things like soccer.

This has turned into a bitchfest, which wasn't what I intended. I shouldn't write when I'm tired and cranky. It's the weekend, yey! I get to sleep in tomorrow! Happy Friday.

Back to the grind

I made my triumphant return to work today! And I'm completely wiped. The commute actually wasn't horrible (or at least not much more horrible than it usually is). The nice thing about the summer is that my commute is a bit mellower since most other teachers and students are on vacation.

I felt a little out of it at first--I was out for over a week!--but it didn't take long for the kids to forget they "missed me" and get back to their old tricks. I teach special ed--ten boys on the autism spectrum--and in spite of how wild and wacky they can be, I adore my kiddos. That isn't to say that they never piss me off, but in general I really enjoy them. How could I not? They're all extreme personalities, to say the least. Exhibit A: this "get well soon" card one of them made me... Look closely... For some reason my roommates don't want me to put it on the fridge?

My knee is sore, but feels ok. It's good to be over that mental hurdle: now that it's over with, I can admit that I was nervous about going back. Hopefully it will only get easier from here on out. (Um, at least until I have surgery...)