Ready or not...

Prepping for tomorrow... I'm about 15 hours away from surgery now. I spent the whole day running around town with my mom: pre-op appointments with the orthopedist and anesthesiologist, crutch and brace fittings, filling prescriptions, buying groceries, etc... At left, my supplies. Brace, crutches, yoga mat, body pillow, an array of meds, ice packs, antibacterial soap and sponges. Oy.

So here is the scoop, in case anyone ever reads this who is about to undergo something similar and wants to know what they're in for:

I got fitted for a hardcore brace today, which I will come to know intimately over the next six weeks. I also picked up some crutches. The other things are more for comfort: the body pillow is so I can elevate my legs evenly; the yoga mat is for doing my physical therapy stuff; and the ice packs are for obvious reasons. I'm not getting a continuous motion machine, which I'm a little disappointed about. I really don't get why my doctor is against them, but he is. No arguing with the "expert". I got four different kinds of pills: one is an antibiotic, which I'll only take for 24 hours; one is for nausea associated with pain meds; one is for swelling and pain; and the last one is Oxycodone, which is a hardcore pain pill. I always get nauseous with medication, so I'm going to try to get off the Oxycodone ASAP.

I have to scour myself with a special antibacterial soap before bed tonight, then I'll do it again tomorrow morning before I go in. This is to minimize the risk of infection. Also, of course there's the requisite no-eating/drinking-after-midnight. Luckily I have an early surgery! That rule must really suck if your appointment is later in the day.

So I'm supposed to show up two hours before the surgery, which means I'll be there at about 7:30. Then they'll prep me and put me under. I'm getting general anesthetic, which surprised me. Everything I've read said that doctors typically use local, but my doctor said that the epidural is so uncomfortable (it's hard to pee for a long time afterwards since you're completely numb) that he prefers general. I don't know how I feel about that... I guess I'm glad I'll be sleeping through the whole thing, but I know there are some big risks associated with general and I feel like it's not something that should be used gratuitously. But again, I'm doing whatever the doctor recommends.

The surgery itself should be around 2 hours. I'll probably be asleep in the recovery room for about an hour after, then they'll wake me up and take me to the short-stay area. I'll hang out there for another hour or so to make sure everything's kosher, then I'll be sent on my merry way!

Supposedly the pain won't be too bad tomorrow because the doctor will inject a long-lasting painkiller into my knee while he's in there. But once that wears off, it's probably going to hurt. A lot.

I got really faint while the doctor was going over all this in my pre-op appointment. So faint that I had to lie down. It was crazy, I can't remember the last time I felt that close to passing out. It was strange too because I already knew all of this--I've done a lot of reading about ACL surgery over the last month. Maybe it was the reality setting in?

I don't understand how people become surgeons. Even being in a hospital makes me nauseous. I know it's worse because I'm the one having surgery, but I definitely would not have the stomach for a career in medicine. Plus, what if you mess up? I make way too many mistakes in my daily life to possibly be able to perform in such a necessarily-mistake-free environment.

I'll try to post tomorrow after surgery, but I may be in too much of a drug-induced stupor to update right away.

Oregonia!

Touchdown in Oregon! And the surgery countdown has begun: T-minus 39 hours. The weather here was incredible today. It's almost enough to make me think about moving back--almost, but not quite.

I had a nice day with my mom in Portland after she picked me up from the airport. We went to the Japanese Gardens, then had lunch and did a little shopping. Portland is a great city; if it weren't for the weather I could totally

imagine living there.

Now I'm at my mom's place setting up my command center. We hauled a mattress and a box spring up from the guest bedroom in the basement and set up a makeshift bed for me in the office, since it's on the ground floor. I think it will be a very comfortable place to convalesce. Alas, I've been here for less than an hour and already all my possessions are covered with dog and cat hair :P

I have a few friends around town who I feel like I should reach out to, but frankly I'm feeling pretty reluctant right now. I probably should make the effort now since I'll be better able to socialize while I can still walk, but I'm really just obsessed with my knee these days. I've felt very introverted and goal-oriented since *the incident*: it's been hard for me to make time for people, and I don't feel like that's even remotely a priority for me. Apparently, side effects of an ACL tear may include: hermitage. That will probably change after a few days of being cooped up in my mom's house though... I'm sure I'll be begging people to come hang out with me soon!

Trying to find the positive

Most people who know me know that I don't handle stress well. I tend to get really negative and anxious, and I find myself feeling annoyed about anything and everything. I've been having a hard time lately not falling into that old pattern. I feel like I'm in such a negative headspace right now, and I don't know how to snap out of it. I'm probably more sensitive to it than anyone else.... At least I hope....

I know I have a ton of things to be grateful for. I'm so fortunate to have health insurance, and to have a job with a built-in three-week vacation so I can go home for surgery without taking any time off (hopefully). I'm also really lucky to have supportive, understanding people around me who have been incredibly helpful and encouraging throughout this process. I know all that. But the anxiety comes from uncertainty: I don't know what my rehab process will be like, and I don't know how long I'm going to struggle to perform at a basic level after surgery.

I want to be ready for the kids when school starts up again in the fall--that's four weeks after my surgery. It took me about four weeks to feel mostly normal after the initial tear, and I'd be very comfortable to be at this point four weeks after surgery. But I'm assuming that it will be a slower recovery process since there will be two sites that need to heal. I just don't know if it's realistic to think I'll be able to walk around much by mid-September. On the other hand, this time around I'll have nearly three weeks to devote entirely to rehab--not just one week like I had after the initial tear. So I really don't know what to expect, but I'm trying to be optimistic. Trying, but failing.

It doesn't help that I'm stressed about the surgery itself and the end of the school year right now as well. Everyone's always stressed all the time though, right? Clearly I need to develop some better coping mechanisms. What do other people do to handle stress?

Temptation...

Damn you, Shake Shack! They just opened their newest location on the Upper East Side--directly along my path from work to the subway--thereby making it impossible for me to stick to my resolution about eating better!

I love Shake Shack. Not just love, but looooooooooooooove. I have been known to go to Mets games with the sole mission of getting a burger. But the other locations are inconvenient enough, and the lines are long enough, that I rarely go. Unfortunately, that's not the case with this outpost.

After obsessing about its arrival all week, I finally went with some coworkers this afternoon. The line was less than 10 minutes! And this location has a really nice patio, perfect for spending a lazy summer afternoon nursing (ok, inhaling) a strawberry milkshake. *Sigh.*

I know one little burger and shake doesn't sound so bad. And it wouldn't be, if not for the fact that my class took a field trip to a bowling alley today (meaning I ate nachos and fries for lunch) and the school had its annual art show at a gallery in Chelsea last night (meaning I had a burger and fries for dinner with coworkers last night as well). It's hard to eat well in the face of reality! And bar food is my ultimate weakness--I would do just about anything for a mozzarella stick. My social life revolves so much around eating and drinking, and it makes it hard to reconcile what's best for my body with what's best for my mental health.

Side note: yesterday was my one-month knee-iversary. I bought my knee a bottle of Aleve to celebrate.

Late-breaking news

Just read a very interesting article in the NY Times about ACL surgery--and how fortuitous that it was published today! You can read the full text here, but the gist is that in several studies comparing people who underwent ACL reconstructive surgery and those who went with more conservative rehab (PT) the two groups had very similar outcomes in terms of knee stability and arthritis.

Anecdotally, the orthopedic surgeons they interviewed believed that patients who underwent surgery were much less likely to have knee problems (like a torn meniscus) down the road, but there isn't much (or any!) evidence to support that claim. Hmmmm!

*Note: I'm definitely still opting for surgery. I'm not ready to give up tennis and the option of other pivoting sports yet, and I absolutely don't want to risk further damage to my knee. Maybe down the road that will turn out not to be the best decision, but from what I know now it seems like it would require a serious lifelong commitment to maintaining strong legs to compensate for a missing ACL if I didn't have surgery.

Joy!

My PT told me today that my knee looked really good--"ready for surgery today", in fact! She said my range of motion is fully restored and my muscle tone looks great. Ahhhhh, it felt so good to hear that! I've been putting in a lot of work to get ready for surgery, and it was nice to have a vote of confidence that eventually, I'm going to more or less get back to where I started.

I realize I sound extremely dramatic saying this, but I feel like this experience has shifted my perspective significantly. I guess you could say I've always been on pretty good terms with my body, so it's been a real shock to suddenly feel like we have a semi-adversarial relationship. This is the first time I've ever experienced such absolute limitations, and it's been very humbling.

I guess ultimately it will probably turn out to be a good thing. Whatever doesn't kill us, or something like that... It's been frustrating trying to accept my limitations, but I think in the end it will make me more disciplined. Already, I feel like my priorities have shifted significantly. Example: I used to go to happy hour with my coworkers semi-religiously, but now I have zero interest in any kind of socializing after work that will keep me from the gym. All I want to do after work every day is spend time on the exercise bike. Above all, I want to take care of myself. I want to work out, eat well, and get enough sleep, because I know that's what my body needs. Of course there will always be exceptions, but I find it a lot easier to motivate myself to get to the gym and to cook healthy dinners these days.

Or maybe this will only last while I'm rehabbing. Maybe I'll go back to my lazy, drinking-too-much self as soon as I get the verdict that my knee is ready for full activity. And maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing either... I guess it doesn't have to be a life-changing experience. It could just be a shitty thing that happened, and sucked for awhile.

Things I want

Someone sent me this video, and I just had to share. I wish this were real! It would be so useful on crutches. Muah!