Uncertainty

I'm graduating in July, assuming all goes according to plan. So do I stay or do I go?

Whenever I come home, I realize how much I miss my friends, most of whom are still on the west coast. I feel like I've made some good friends in New York, but no one comes close to the friends I have out here. There's something about people who've known you forever--it's like family almost. When I meet up with friends here, even with people I haven't seen for years, it feels so easy and normal. I really miss having close girl friends like that.

It's not just the social thing though--I miss the west coast in general. I feel like life is easier here. People don't work as hard or think as much about money, and every aspect of life isn't an utter ordeal out here. In New York, I feel like everything is so hard. Going to the grocery store, meeting up with friends, going hiking... All these normal things are so complicated in the city! And it was okay while I was still really excited about living there, but now that that's worn off, I'm just tired of putting forth so much effort and expense to do normal, simple things.

I should probably teach in New York for a year, I guess? I'm not really sure how that works. I'm not even sure where I'd go if I were to move. I think probably San Francisco. Seattle is too rainy, Portland is too small and too rainy, and I don't like LA. San Francisco seems like a good happy medium: still very much a big city, but also mellower and less expensive than New York, and with easy access to the outdoors. I have a few close friends down there too. Hmmm.

And then, maybe I'm looking at the west coast with rose-colored glasses. Whenever I'm home, all I do is sleep, eat, and hang out with friends. Of course it feels laid-back. So clearly this requires some more careful consideration...

Losing my mind...

I may have completely lost my mind. I freaked out and quit my job last week. I had a nervous breakdown--I had a horrible meeting with my principal, and while everyone was down at dismissal, I packed up my stuff and left. I spent the next three days in bed, crying.

I feel really weird about it now. On the one hand, I feel extremely guilty. There's something about teaching (um, the fact that you work with children, perhaps?) that makes it different from any other job. With a normal job, I would have quit a looooooong looooooooooooooong time ago. But there's a different pressure with teaching, and I guess that's for good reason. I think it also attracts a certain breed of masochist, so there's this sense of have-to-stick-it-out-no-matter-whatness because we're all such martyrs already... Well, I'm not a martyr anymore. I'm now a crazy, dramatic, selfish b@tch.

It felt sort of like running into a wall. I have never felt so depressed or overwhelmed or completely broken by anything before. I just couldn't face it anymore. I couldn't even leave my bedroom. It was a scary, out of control feeling. But it's mostly passed now. I'm really stressed about the money thing, but otherwise, I feel good about the next few months. I'm going to go to school full time and finally--FINALLY--finish. But now I'm not even sure I want to be a teacher anymore... I need to remember what it was like working at a supportive, caring school. I can do that again. At least I can do that for a few years, and then hopefully get a job in textbook publishing.

I have so much regret now about leaving my old job. I keep thinking how, in spite of everything I complained about, I sincerely liked my coworkers there, and I felt so supported. I guess I knew going into this that it was a risk, and with every risk there is the possibility of utter failure. I liked to think that I could do anything for a year, no matter how bad... But I think I redefined utter failure with this one. Epic, monumental, colossal, and catastrophic are all apt.

I'm on my way home now, and I'm really looking forward to disassociating from Brooklyn for the next 10 days. I want to refocus on my life. I feel really lost, and I don't like the feeling. I'm excited to reconnect with friends, hang out with my mom's pets, eat and cook a lot, watch some movies, read some books, and generally just chill out. No school to think about, no 4 billion work things to stress over... That's such an amazing feeling! I know once the initial feelings of guilt and failure subside, this will be the right choice. I just need to get to that place.

My browser right now...

...has about 12 job search windows open. Yep, still hate it. I CAN'T WAIT to quit. I am soooooo sick of endlessinterminableforeverneverending meetings about data analysis, and sick of "co-planning" that is all telling me to do things differently but no support, and sick of 60 hour weeks plus coming home to do more work... I feel like I'm such a bitter, angry person lately and I can't snap out of it! I just need to sleep... And to breathe... And to tell them I'm not coming back next year... I don't know if the job market will be better next year, or if I'll be able to find anything given that I won't be done with my degree, but I'm very much willing to throw caution to the wind at this point. And if I wind up in another Cravath-esque job for a year, so be it, but at least it will be with an end in sight.

I don't understand how my coworkers are so gung-ho about working there. They're all brainwashed. But then--and I realize everyone probably feels this way, but I really think it's true in my case--I have the worst class load imaginable. If I taught the same thing 5 periods a day, that would be one thing... but I teach four different classes, so I am just swamped with planning all the time.

I always wonder what would happen if I started crying in the middle of a class. Would I get to go home for the day? Would it be worth it? I think I may be on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I feel like all my nerves are stretched tight, and I can't sleep, and I'm getting wrinkles and my hair is probably going to be grey by the end of the year.

Anxiety. Counting seconds until vacation. Bitterness. Sigh...